(Oh, the people you'll meet!)
So, say you got the number of a friend-of-friends Susie at a barbecue a while ago, and you've asked to meet up with her for summertime drinks.
It's a good idea for you to text her "Wherever you're feeling, just let me know!" while you're making arrangements - that way you can get a feel for the kind of place she might like, and hey, the pressure's off - you won't be responsible for any flopped locale choice. Women love an easygoing guy who's interested in their preferences.
Has your Susie gotten back to you on the establishment? She has? If she's proffered a hip-but-low-key joint, and an alternative in case you're less into having 20-something amazing local beers on tap and more into food or wine or whatever, then now is the time to shoot both of those down. Do not feel that you need to make any compensatory suggestions of your own. Just include several frowny-faces in your texted response to her voicemail. Women love men who can express their emotions.
After a day of silence, fire up your text-fingers again. Just because a Susie is being a normal grown-ass adult and has broken the talk-barrier by calling you (and speaking with your voicemail), doesn't mean you have to return suit and put on your big-boy pants to call a Susie back. Keep riiiight oooonnn texting. Women love a man who's dependable.
(See above for recommended "sext-face.")
Ah! So here you are, at your scheduled meetup, because your Susie is a forgiving gal who also sort of has a morbid curiosity about how rom-com-esquely bad a date with you will really be! You've grabbed a patio table, which is a smart move because it's a beautiful day crowded with sun-seeking pedestrians in your city. Do not under any circumstance wave when your Susie strolls up, exactly on time and visibly trying to weed your location out of the melee. If she does not appear to spot you on first scan, give a whistle. A whistle. This will attract any self-respecting woman's attention immediately. After all, dogs are your best friend if you're any kind of MAN, so she should count herself flattered to be addressed in a like manner - women love subtle compliments.
She has located you, navigated the crowd, and is now standing at your table? Wonderful! Do not arise on "hellos," do not even make a cursory attempt to half-stand in salutation, and certainly do not give her a greeting hug or even a handshake. Do not remove your sunglasses. Do not hand her the beer menu you have already perused, sitting idly in front of you. "Gender equality" killed chivalry, amirite brah? Even the genderless type of good old-fashioned civilized human-to-human manners are kind of for little girls and pussies, eh? Instead, since there's no table service out here, let your Susie know what you'd like her to order for you when she goes inside to procure her own pint. Women love feeling needed and competent!
(When she carries back two waters AND two beers, she's just showing off. Don't even comment.)
Ahh, so here we are at the meat of the date: the part where you two will get to know each other with conversation and, if you are lucky, a little witty banter. Wait, did I say lucky? I meant unlucky. Here's how to deal with a joke you don't get or a literary, political, current-event, or pop-culture reference you are going to be clearly a little insecure about having missed: get snotty. No really, don't charm your way outta shit. Just throw out juvenile potty-humor-level comments and try to make it sound like a stupid thing to talk about because you probably know more about it than her anyway, because penis. Women love a man who owns a conversation!
This is your time to shine, and to do so, you must impress her greatly. When she asks what you've been up to since you last socially ran into each other a mere week ago, you should fabricate something humble but believable, like "oh, just... teaching myself new kinds of quantum-math." It's OK if you cannot explain any further, not with a single related vocabulary word, even if she pokes around a little looking for details and seems slightly amused, because trust me, by now you have made enough of an impression that she will for sure quote you verbatim in her blog and besides, girls and math? Ha! Your secret's safe, Einstein. Women love a smart, smart man!
(So maybe you should've been "teaching yourself" "new kinds" of reflexes instead.)
If you really want to heat things up, go for politics, even though she jokingly reminds you it's one of the Big Three to handle with care in polite company.
Universal health care? Living wage? Pay equality? FUCK THAT NObama bullshit. Especially if you're a smug born-into-the-upper-class white dude in America who's pretty much never faced any adversity beyond Ohhh noes beer pong moneys are low and my parents shut off my credit card!, let alone actual systematic discrimination, abuse, harassment, or even any single situation in your entire fucking life where you were not the entitled majority, your scoffingly-certain assertion that these things don't really actually exist for anybody here in the States is sure to make your Susie swoon. You can seal the deal by proudly declaring that you're a social Darwinist oh and also, who even cares (refer back to scoffing approach), but pshhh no, you've never read any Hobbes, Locke, Adam Smith, Herbert Spencer, or even, ohhhh say... Darwin. You don't need books because you have sarcasm and volume, so don't get sucked down the hysterical rabbit-hole of socio-economics and history and facts and shit. In fact, don't listen to anything - just keep talking. Women love a man with strong convictions.
(I'd like to solve and say "THIS FUCKING BILLY," Pat.)
By now she won't even be able to sit still - you've hit all the buttons in the book in the twenty minutes you've been romancing her, my friend. Now's the time for you to just sit back and watch the dividends on your dating prowess come rolling in. If you've played your cards right, your Susie's given you the breathless "hold on a sec" index finger and has gotten up and is heading inside to the counter to get you another beer, even though her own has barely been touched. Women love a man who fosters their nurturing side.
(I'll be needing another drink to even handle this level of sexy.)
Oh, but wait. Through the restaurant's plate glass windows, you can see that she's ordering... shots! Boom, looks like someone wants to get this show on the road. You're in there like swimwear. And out comes the wallet to settle the tab. This chick really gets what "women's lib" is all about, which is rare these days with all the femiNazis running arou--hold up. Hold. UP.
She just slammed a shot with the bartender, without even looking outside at you. They appear to be sharing some sort of joke.
(Oohhhkay, Kutcher, you got me. Where're the cameras? Hello?)
When she walks out the door and coyly exits the patio without actually glancing back in your direction, you should *immediately* text her this exact sentiment: WTF? :'-( You should do this so quickly that you will be able to watch her receive said text as she walks away across the pedestrian square. You should thereafter fire off a :-( ?!?!, again quickly enough that you will be able to see her shaking her head in bemused disbelief upon receipt. And now she's actually physically chuckling out loud as she walks out of your view.
NAILED IT: the number one thing women love is a man that makes them laugh.
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